


Above All Else...

by pinkamour1588



Series: I Won't Give Up [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Depression, Heartache, Injury, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, post STID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 09:50:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12187674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkamour1588/pseuds/pinkamour1588
Summary: "Above all, I must not play at God." Leonard broke his oath for Jim but relationships aren't as easy after one person comes back from the dead.





	Above All Else...

It wasn’t working. Every variation of the serum he had created in the past two and a half weeks wasn’t working. It needed to work. Leonard desperately needed it to work.

He rubbed one hand over his face, tired and frustrated.

“Dr. McCoy,” a voice came from right next to him and he jumped startled.

“Yes?” He looked over to see Phil looking at him concerned.

“Go home. Get some sleep,” Phil answered.

“I think I may finally have it though. I just need to see if it works.”

“You can do that in the morning.”

Leonard opened his mouth to protest but promptly closed it at the sight of Phil’s glare.

“You’re useless if you don’t sleep.”

Leonard sighed and stood, grabbing hold of the counter when he swayed on his feet a little. Phil led him out of the lab and drove him home, where Leonard took one glance at the bedroom before cramming himself onto the couch and falling asleep.

***

There was a reason Leonard avoided sleeping. It wasn’t because he was desperate to find the serum, or because he was trying to burn himself out. No, it was because every time he closed his eyes the image of Jim lying dead in that body bag appeared and he couldn’t stand reliving that moment.

When he woke up hours later, there was a note on the coffee table telling him there was coffee in the coffee pot and lasagna in the fridge. Not the most appetizing combination, but Leonard would take it. He ate quickly, barely even warming up the food, and drank god knows how many cups of coffee before taking a quick shower, redressing, and heading back to the hospital.

***

Apparently that last serum worked. Or at least it worked on the tribble. So Leonard stood watching as Jim was moved from the cryotube and onto a biobed. He tried to be the one to inject the serum, but his hands shook too much so Phil took over.

Once Jim was injected with the serum and he began to show signs of life, Phil and the one nurse who knew that Leonard and Phil were effectively breaking their Hippocratic Oath, left Leonard alone with Jim.

He didn’t speak for a while. Just sat watching Jim’s shallow breathing and listening to the occasional beep of the heart rate monitor.  _He’s breathing. At least he’s breathing. That’s something._

***

Leonard went from sleeping on the sofa at home to sleeping on the sofa in Jim’s hospital room. Jim was improving. There was a chance he’d wake up. A small chance, but a chance nonetheless.

“If you’re going to keep sleeping here, at least sleep in the on-call room. You’ll have a real bed there,” Phil said after four days.

“What if he wakes up and I’m not here?” Leonard asked.

“Someone will get you if he starts waking up.”

His gaze flickered between Jim and Phil, then nodded and headed to the on-call room.

***

Two weeks after the serum was injected, Leonard was woken up by a nurse shaking him.

“Dr. McCoy…” the nurse began.

“Jim? Is he…” Leonard asked frantically.

“Yes, but…”

Leonard didn’t hear the rest of what the nurse said. He was already out the door and running down the hall to Jim’s room.

“It might be a while. He’s only just now showing signs of coming to,” Phil said when Leonard came to a stop, breathless.

“Of course,” Leonard nodded, forcing a smile as he sank down into the chair next to Jim’s bed.

~~~

He spent the next eight hours preparing himself for every negative possibility and how he would handle it, including losing Jim again. But there was possibility that he couldn’t bear to consider. Jim not remembering him.

Spock showed up sometime in the afternoon, bringing Leonard some food. Every time he tried to speak, Leonard silenced him with a sharp glare.

After what seemed like an eternity, Jim’s eyelids began to flutter. Leonard jumped up and grabbed his tricorder. The second Jim’s eyes opened, Leonard could’ve sworn his heart stopped.  _Say something, Leonard. Come on. He’s been dead. Say you missed him. That you love him. Anything._

“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic. You were barely dead. it was the transfusion that really took its toll. You were out cold for two weeks.” Leonard said as he began scanning Jim with a tricorder.  _Smooth. That’s what you decide to say after your boyfriend’s been dead and in a coma for the past four and a half weeks?_

“Transfusion?” Jim asked and Leonard did everything he could to not beg him to keep talking. He may have been annoying when he never shuts up, but in this moment, Leonard wanted exactly that.

“Your cells were heavily irradiated. We had no choice.”

“Khan?”

“Once we caught him, I synthesized a serum from his superblood. Tell me, are you feeling homicidal? Power mad? Despotic?”

“No more than usual. How’d you catch him?”

“I didn’t.” Leonard gestured over his shoulder toward Spock, who stepped closer as the doctor walked to the other side of the bed to continue his exam.

“You saved my life,” Jim said to Spock and if that wasn’t a punch in the gut, Leonard wasn’t sure what was.

“Uhura and I had something to do with it, too, you know,” Leonard said possibly a little sharper than he intended.

“You saved my life, Captain, and the lives of…” Spock began, seemingly ignoring, along with Jim, Leonard’s comment.

“Spock, just. Thank you,” Jim answered.

“You are welcome, Jim.“

~

Spock stayed a while, chatting with Jim, and Leonard felt somewhere between heartbroken Jim was barely acknowledging his presence and just happy to hear his voice again. Phil came by some time later after Spock had left to give Jim a more thorough exam, while Leonard sat silent in the chair next to the bed.

“You’ll definitely be needing some physical therapy, but that’s to be expected. Otherwise, as far as I can tell, you’re in impressively good health for everything’s that happened,” Phil said.

He and Jim exchange a few more words as Leonard spun the ring on his pinky mindlessly, hoping the way he winced when Jim thanked Phil wasn’t noticed.

“If you need anything, just let me know. Same goes for you, Leonard.” With that, Phil left, leaving Jim and Leonard in relative silence.

“Are you mad?” Jim asked after a minute, looking over at Leonard.

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t upset.”

“I’m sorry. I was just doing…”

“You were doing what you thought was best.” He swallowed the lump in his throat and took one of Jim’s hands before continuing, “You just didn’t think how I would feel about it. And I know that sounds selfish, but honestly, I don’t know how much I care that it does. I had to see you lying in a goddamn body bag. I went through a divorce and you know how much that broke me. But seeing you–seeing you dead. God, Jim, I couldn’t even breathe. I couldn’t even process the situation. I knew it was real but I wanted it to just be a nightmare so badly. I…”

Jim’s fingers curled around Leonard’s hand and squeezed lightly. “I’m ok now.”

“Dammit, Jim. No, you’re not. You’re lying in a hospital bed after being brought back to life. Do you honestly think that classifies as being ‘ok’?” Leonard wiped the tears running down his face. “And then you thank Spock. Which is great and all, but then you don’t thank me. I was the one who stayed in the lab for days on end trying to create a serum that worked for over two weeks. Not Spock. Again, that sounds selfish, I know, but, Jim, I risked everything. And I do mean everything. So did Dr. Boyce. You thanked him, but not me.”

“Because I don’t know how to, Bones.”

“You knew how to thank Phil.”

“He’s not my boyfriend. You are. You’re the one I’m going to see every day. Or at least I hope so. And every method I usually use to thank you for bigger things, I can’t use right now.” Jim let out a soft sigh. “Thank you. And I’m sorry for not saying it earlier.”

Leonard stared back at him for a few minutes in silence. “Thank you,” he finally whispered.

“You’re welcome.” He studied Leonard’s face for a moment, then spoke again, “You haven’t been sleeping.”

Leonard let out a soft snort. “What gave it away?”

“Your eyes. And just knowing you.”

“Hard to sleep when your boyfriend’s dead and in a coma.”

“Can you sleep now?”

Leonard raised an eyebrow. “Trying to get rid of me? I intend to sleep on the couch, just so you know.”

“Never, and I’m not surprised.”

“I’ll sleep when you do.”

Jim thought for a moment, then asked, “Do you think both of us could fit on here?”

“Don’t know how comfortably.”

“Do you want to try, though?”

Leonard nodded. “I think I’d like that.” He stood and turned off the biobed before taking off his shoes. He intended to lay on top of the blankets Jim was under, but when he turned around from putting his shoes on the couch, Jim had moved as far to one side of the bed as possible and pulled one of the blankets back. Leonard carefully got into the bed and pulled the blanket back over the two of them, putting his arm between Jim’s neck and the pillow.

Once Leonard was settled, Jim leaned up and pressed his lips to the brunette’s for a few moments. He pulled away too soon in Leonard’s opinion, but then again, Leonard didn’t want him to ever pull away. Jim shifted around until he was comfortably settled, or as comfortably settled as he could be, against the doctor. One arm draped over Leonard and his head on his shoulder. Leonard curled his arm around Jim, rubbing his shoulder blade lightly with his thumb. He closed his eyes, hoping to finally get some peaceful sleep now that he had Jim back in his arms.

But all the possible scenarios of what could still go wrong continued to run through his head, regardless of how likely they were to happen. So he was left dozing off for about 20 minutes before startling awake and immediately checking that Jim was still breathing.

***

It took three days before he finally crashed and fell asleep on the couch in the room, not waking until someone roughly shook him awake.

“Good to see you’re finally getting some sleep,” Phil said when Leonard blinked his eyes open, squinting at the brightness of the room.

“Is Jim…” Leonard began.

“Still doing well. Eleven more days then he’s free to go home. I just figured you didn’t want to sleep all day, though lord knows you need it. Plus, I brought you food.”

Leonard nodded as he sat up, stretching. He looked over at Jim, who was watching something intently on a PADD, and smiled. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Phil nodded before leaving.

Leonard stood and walked over to Jim. “So, what’d I miss?” He sat down on the edge of the bed.

Jim paused what he was watching on the PADD and looked up at Leonard. “The usual. Hikaru and Ben stopped by. Nurse helped me get food into my mouth.”

“Do you need anything?” Leonard asked as Jim went back to watching whatever on his PADD.

“Nah, I’m fine.” Jim didn’t look up from the tablet that time.

Leonard nodded patting Jim’s leg before getting up and getting the box of food Phil had brought.

***

Five days before Jim was set to be released from the hospital, he started acting odd. The day before Jim’s release, Leonard had gone home to shower and do some work on getting things a bit more set for Jim’s return. When he got to the hospital Jim was completely engrossed in something on his PADD.

“Hey,” Leonard smiled kissing Jim’s cheek. “Kate help you shave while I was gone?”

Jim gave a small nod.

“Are you excited about going home?”

“Yeah.”

Leonard hesitated, then sat down next to Jim. “What’re we watching?”

“Indiana Jones.”

He opened his mouth to speak but quickly shut it and rested his chin on Jim’s shoulder.

***

The next afternoon

“So, what do you want to do when you get home?” Leonard asked as he started the car.

“I want to go to bed,” Jim answered flatly, staring out the window.

“Ok. What do you want for dinner?”

“Can we get pizza?”

“Sure, I’ll order it when we get home.”

“Should probably shower first,” Jim said abruptly.

“Me or you?”

“Me.”

“I was gonna be offended if you said it was me,” Leonard joked but Jim didn’t laugh.

When they got home, Jim headed to the bedroom and the bathroom while Leonard headed to the kitchen to order the pizza. By the time he finished, he noticed the shower wasn’t running.

“Jim, you alright?” Leonard asked as he knocked on the bathroom door.

“What do you think?” Jim grumbled.

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah.”

Leonard opened the door to find Jim partially stuck in his t-shirt. He didn’t say a word as he walked over and helped Jim out of his shirt. “I suppose hospital gowns are a lot easier to get out of,” he commented tossing the shirt aside.

“Yeah,” Jim nodded finishing undressing and turned on the shower with shaking hands.

Leonard went back into the bedroom and got Jim a clean set of clothes, placing them on the bathroom counter. He changed into his own t-shirt and pair of sweatpants and brought Jim’s PADD into the bedroom, then sat on the bed waiting on the bed for Jim.

Twenty minutes later, Jim walked out of the bathroom holding the t-shirt Leonard had brought him. “Couldn’t get it on,” he mumbled as he got into bed and grabbed his PADD.

“Do you want to?”

Jim shook his head as he got a movie set up.

“It’d be easier to watch out in the living room.”

“I’m fine.”

Leonard just nodded and settled next to Jim in bed. When the pizza arrived, he just brought it to the bedroom and they ate on the bed, despite his previous insistence toward no food in bed. Leonard didn’t miss the way Jim’s hand trembled as he ate.

***

Four days later

“Fuck!” Jim yelled throwing the spoon in his hand against the table.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Leonard asked as he walked out of the bedroom to the kitchen where Jim sat glaring at a bowl of cereal.

“Can’t fucking eat.” Jim got up and brushed past him on his way to the bedroom.

The doctor sighed looking down at the cereal, considering whether it was worth trying to salvage. It wasn’t. It was basically just mush now. So, he poured it down the drain and cleaned the spilled milk and cereal off the counter before heading to the bedroom.

Jim was curled back up in bed sniffling.

“Jim, you need to get up. You have an appointment with Phil and then physical therapy,” Leonard said gently.

The blond shook his head.

“Why?”

“‘m hungry,” Jim mumbled.

“Well, food’s in the kitchen.”

“I can’t eat though.”

“Are you feeling sick?” Leonard went closer and pressed his palm to Jim’s forehead only to get his hand shoved away.

“No. I can’t eat.”

“That why there’s a spoon on the living room floor?”

Jim rolled over so his back was to Leonard.

“Jim…”

“No, Bones, just stop.”

“I can’t. I’m sorry, I just can’t. You need to eat. What would you like?”

“I wanted cereal.”

“I could…”

“No,” Jim hissed. “Absolutely not. I don’t need to you feed me like a child.”

“Well, you’re currently acting a bit like one.”

Jim turned back over and glared at him.

“You’re throwing a tantrum. You said you’re hungry. You need to eat. That’s non-negotiable. If you don’t want me to help you out with eating cereal, then pick something else.”

Jim stared at him for a long time before saying, “Bagel.”

“Get up and get dressed. I’ll make you a bagel.” Leonard turned and walked back out to the kitchen.

When Jim came out of the bedroom ten minutes later, he looked slightly more put together and sat down at the kitchen table. Leonard set a plate with a bagel and cream cheese and some fruit. Jim ate it as quickly as he could with unsteady hands.

~~~

When they got back from Jim’s appointments, Leonard stopped Jim before he went back to the bedroom and pulled him to the couch. Jim sat as far away from Leonard as he could, pulling his knees halfway to his chest.

“I got some counselor recommendations from Phil while you were in physical therapy,” Leonard began.

“For me, I assume,” Jim sighed.

“Or us. I’ll go with you if you want.”

Jim shook his head. “I’ll go alone.”

“Do you want to look at the recommendations while I make dinner?”

“Ok,” Jim nodded.

Leonard gave him a small smile as he stood and got his PADD, pulling up the list Phil had sent him and handing the tablet to Jim.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://pinkamour1588.tumblr.com)


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